If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Screwed.edu
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
