Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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