I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
