i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
