so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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