you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
