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• (334): View more from Alabama

  I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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• (818): View more from California

  Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself

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• (949): View more from California

  My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.

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• (714): View more from California

  the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.

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• (845): View more from New York

  You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.

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• (310): View more from California

  Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.

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• (901): View more from Tennessee

  And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.

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