I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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