I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
