it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
