I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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