Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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