This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize