I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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