I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
