Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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