I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
