I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
