I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
