don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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