I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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