I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's official drugs can't kill me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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