if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
