You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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