In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
