Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
