you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Randomize