i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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