our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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