dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
