I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
