i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
