New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
