This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
