I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize