hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
