I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
