I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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