Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
