i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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