you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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