Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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