so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
