Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
