I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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