So drunk, too bad you don't want this
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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