just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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