The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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