Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
