You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
