I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
