his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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