Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
