She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hippo gnu deer
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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