I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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