Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
