wrigley field is MILF paradise
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you had me at cake vodka
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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