So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
